#momlife

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

Let me preface this with a disclaimer: I love my kids, I would do anything for them. If you know me personally, you know this. I just feel like I need to share more than the curated Instagram life that I often share. If other people are struggling with these same things, I want to know, and I want to talk about it.

You’ve read them. The blogs that go on and on about how difficult being a Mom is. The ones that detail the stressful lives of stay-at-home Moms, working Moms, single Moms, first time Moms, all of the categories are there. You see them shared on Facebook, with a trail of crying face emoji’s, and heartfelt comments. They all say the same things, that being a Mom is hard, but that you’ll miss it when your kids are grown. They repeatedly remind you that you shouldn’t worry about your messy house, or your tangled hair, or your piles of laundry, you should just enjoy the time you have with your children while you can.

I can’t stand it.

As idyllic as these musings are, they don’t realize that they are perpetuating the Mom guilt. They don’t realize that they are implying that if I am doing anything but enjoying the time I am having being a Mom, I am going to regret it.

I’m just going to talk about the thing that Mom’s aren’t supposed to talk about.

When I reminisce about my 7 year old’s infancy, I do not regret putting her in her crib instead of rocking her to sleep. I do no regret sending her to preschool so that I could go to work to provide for her. When I look at her baby photos, I do not want to go back. She was adorable, she was sweet, she was happy, I loved her so much, but I was miserable.

I was dealing with a Mom with Cancer, an absent husband, an imploding business, and a baby. I was utterly alone. I recall routinely contemplating if I could hold it together. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor crying, wondering if she would be better off without me. I remember resenting that tiny, precious, beautiful, human. I never wanted to feel that way again…

Flash forward 7 years and here I am again, feeling isolated, lonely, kind of miserable. This time, I have two kids. Just as my first was gaining her independence, just as she was needing me less, and becoming her own person… I got pregnant again, and started the whole process over. I often sit and think about how much easier my life would be if I hadn’t gotten pregnant again, which I know sounds terrible. It’s not that I don’t love my baby, I do with my whole heart, BUT I was just getting to the point where I could start living my life again. K was in Kindergarten, I had a good, flexible job, my business was thriving, I starting looking into Master’s programs, I never ran out of clean underwear… things were finally looking up after my Mom’s death… and then in a matter of a few weeks, I separated from my husband, found out I was pregnant, and my entire, stable, “together” life, had completely fallen apart.

I’ll be completely honest, if it weren’t for my sweet baby girl, I’d be divorced right now.

I’ll also be completely honest, I’m not sure whether I’m happy about that just yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, and the change I have seen in him is incredible (I never have to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby…. ever), I wouldn’t have stuck it out all these years if I didn’t… but I have given up a lot of myself in the last few years… and now I don’t know when I can get those pieces of myself back.

After having C, all of my goals got pushed back further, everything got harder… the life that I was finally starting to settle in to is gone… and I don’t know when I am going to get that back. Some days, I look at those piercing blue eyes, chubby cheeks, and toothy grin, and feel a tinge of resentment, followed immediately by a rush of intense guilt.

That’s the part that the Mommy bloggers leave out. That’s the thing that no one talks about because it’s too horrible to name: the resentment, and then the guilt.

Baby is crying… to be continued…

9Apr2017

Birthdays

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

When you wake up at 7am, and sink in a pool of tears, I think sharing is cathartic, so here it goes.

I am turning 30 this week. In 2 days. April 11, 2017, I will be 30 years old.

I will be 30 years old, and I don’t have my Mom.

To some, these two things may seem unrelated. Sure, turning 30 can be upsetting, and losing a mother is upsetting, but how does one impact the other? The truth is, for some people, they may not, but for me, it does.

My Mom was the queen of birthdays. It was her thing. It didn’t matter how old you were, or how busy you were, we KNEW our birthday was to be spent with Mom. When we were little it was parties, extravagant parties with perfect decor and food and, in some cases, even costumed characters. Dressing up was a requirement when we were kids. I remember, at one of my brother’s birthdays, Barney was the guest of honor. Me, being the smart ass little kid I was, told a bunch of other kids that Barney wasn’t a REAL dinosaur. Oh, the wrath I endured from my Mom. Birthdays were special, and despite all of the other shitty stuff that happened in our childhood, birthdays were not to be messed with. As I got older, birthdays became family dinners. Either home-cooked, or at a restaurant, it was not optional. She would organize the location, the menu, call the family and make sure everyone, was in attendance. There were no excuses. You just HAD to be there. I took that for granted.

Things are different now, the responsibility to plan these gatherings falls on me and my sister. Over the past 2 years, we still TRY to have them, but it’s not the same. Rarely on the ACTUAL day of our birthday, and typically there’s someone who “can’t make it.” My sister and I don’t “pack the punch” that my Mom did. We lack her ability to MAKE things happen.

Yesterday, I was asked, “so, are we going to do a family dinner for your birthday?” and it was like a punch in the gut. I am turning 30, and have reached a point in my life where there isn’t anyone besides me to make my birthday special. The ONE person who was always the first to wish me Happy Birthday, the first to call, the first to text, the planner who could make everyone else care and show up, the one who could make me feel more special, more loved, than anyone else can, is gone.

This all may seem superficial. A spoiled girl whining that no one cares about her birthday, but unless you knew my Mom, unless you knew how she could make you feel like the most important person in the world with just a phone call, you can’t understand.

Before my Mom got sick, I called her about everything. Everyday. I am not exaggerating. Over the past year, things that seem random, have stopped me in my tracks. Things like leaving on a vacation with my family, buying a new car, registering Kaylin for Kindergarten, are all things I would have discussed at-length with my Mom. I say this a lot, and it is cliche, but without her to guide me, I am lost. I am finding my own way and constantly feel like I am failing. I am turning 30, but I still feel like a child, yearning for unconditional love and support that just isn’t there.

No one did birthdays like Mom. They will never be the same. When I say that I am not sad about turning 30, it’s true. I’m not. I’m sad about turning 30 without her.

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10Nov2016

My reasons.

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

I think the world would be a better place if we could all take a moment and understand that our worldviews are shaped by our experience. I believe, that sharing those experiences, can help us to take a step back and say, “I understand why someone who has had XYZ happen in their life would believe the things that they believe.” I think if this conversation can happen respectfully, and if we can LISTEN to UNDERSTAND each other’s thoughts, instead of SPEAKING to CHANGE each other’s minds, we can get through this. Friends can stay friends, no one will throw the bowl of stuffing across the Thanksgiving table, and we can emerge a more unified people who respect each other’s differences.

I am the child of poor parents.

I grew up not knowing if when I went to turn the light on, if the electric bill had been paid.

I grew up listening to angry screaming, and fearing that my Mom, or we, could just keep quiet long enough to stay safe.

I grew up giving up my birthday money for groceries, giving up my fast food paycheck to pay bail.

I am a survivor of years of sexual abuse.

I have been, literally, “grabbed by the pussy” as early as elementary school.

I kept that a secret from everyone, until I finally told the one person who I thought would protect me, and because of the stigma that surrounds sexual assault, I was brushed off, ignored.

I never brought it up again, and I struggle daily with it.

I grew up thinking I was unloved, because I was not protected.

I grew up truly believing that no one cared about me, because I was not believed.

I grew up hurting myself.

I grew up being bullied. I was too poor, too quiet, too fat.

I was raised Baptist, but never went to church.

When I was 16 or 17 I read the Bible cover-to-cover, and decided it was a nice story, but I didn’t buy it.

I still don’t understand how any God to make this world so awful. How an all-powerful God can allow such terrible things to happen.

I didn’t tell anyone that I was unsure about God until college.

I never thought my family would accept or respect my beliefs. I was kinda right.

I had a mother, who could have been financially ruined in her last years, with words like, “pre-existing condition” and “lifetime limits.”

I have a brother who I fear may have a more difficult time finding a job, may be legally denied an apartment, or a loan, may never be able to raise children or get married.

I have a best friend who has opened her heart, and her home, to the possibility of welcoming a child, any child, and I fear for the ramifications that this glorification of hate speech may have on her family.

I fear that being open and honest about my own religious beliefs, or lack thereof, will ostracize me and demonize me and my family.

I am fearful that the lack of a place for uninsured and under insured women to receive cancer screenings, birth control, and wellness checks, not to mention sexual education, will have a profoundly negative impact on the health and well being of women in our country.

I fear that the lack of social programs will keep men, women and children in homes, and in situations like the one I was raised in. With no foreseeable way out.

I fear that the lack of social programs will keep the poor, uneducated people of this country, poor and uneducated.

I fear that the parts of our Constitution that are not convenient for our leaders, will be interpreted in a way that goes against everything our forefathers had hoped for our country.

I fear that leadership, past, present, and future, regardless of political party, will put fear in our hearts, and slowly strip us of our will to stand up for what is right, and use that fear to hinder our freedom.

I have repeatedly seen, over the last few days, people ensuring their friends and family that there is nothing to fear, that we need to stay positive.

While WE, the middle class, white populous, may have nothing to fear on a day-to-day basis, our neighbors, our siblings, our friends…. they have legitimate fears about their future, and those should not be dismissed, or hushed.

Please do not try to squander the fears of your neighbors, until you are able to fully understand the reasoning behind those fears.

Listen to understand their thoughts, instead of speaking to change their minds.

7Apr2016

#ThrowbackThursday

Posted in Fashion, Plus Size, throwback thursday by notsolittleladykatie

Every Thursday our newsfeeds fill with images of the past. We all reminisce about when our jeans were smaller, our bank accounts were larger, our kids were just babies, we were healthier, younger, and yes, stupider. As we recall fond, goofy or sad memories from our past, we begin to compare. We compare then vs. now, fat vs. thin, rich vs. poor, single vs. married, a kid vs. a career. Often times, these comparisons make us wish and the wishes can be depressing, scary and guilt-inducing. For a split second, we consider what our lives would be like if we knew then what we know now, if we could go back and change it all.

I know I think about it a lot, particularly in regards to my weight-gain, my lack of confidence, and even my marriage and child. For a second, I wonder “what if I was still thin, beautiful, young, single and unattached.”

Young women in their teens and early twenties are constantly facing the pressures of the media, being inundated with images of stick-thin models, and warped standards of beauty. (Though I must offer a shout-out to body-positive warriors like Ashley Graham and Tess Holliday). The internet is full of stories of young women letting comparison steal their confidence. As I am approaching 30, I have realized how dumb it is to compare myself with those stick-thin, photoshopped models. I’ve gained the ability to more clearly distinguish reality from fantasy. Instead, I begin comparing myself, to myself. Longingly gazing over photos from when I was 18, and I’ve realized that this is just as dangerous. I am still allowing comparison to steal my confidence.

I am allowing MYSELF to more harshly judge MYSELF against MYSELF (ridiculous, huh?).

18 vs 29, Photo credit: left: Knight Photography cirque 2005, right: Violet Rose Photography

SO many things have changed in my life since I was 18. I met my husband, went to college, witnessed my parents’ messy divorce, got married, got separated, got back together again, had a child, cared for my Mom when she was diagnosed with Cancer, and 6 years later, watched the treatments stop working. I have been through so much; body, mind and soul, and each of those things has shaped me into a stronger, more confident and BETTER person then I was. So yes, we may have gained FAT, but let’s not forget what else we have gained.

#ThrowbackThursdays are going to be an ongoing project here at Not So Little Lady Katie. Please contact me if you would like to share your own story of transformation, perseverance, confidence, etc.

6Apr2016

Yes, you can!

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

Yesterday, I wore a dress without leggings. Today, SHORTS!

I created a little info-graphic for you all, in case you aren’t sure if you can “pull off” shorts:

Yes, it’s that simple!!! I don’t know about you, but I refuse to sweat my ASS off because someone might be offended by my cellulite, and I can look damn cute rocking it too!

My key to short-ed bliss, is finding the RIGHT shorts. Not every style works for me. Here are a few short trends, and how I make them work:

The printed shorts: These are Torrid’s Paisley print pleated shorts. This was a BIG jump for me, because a print can make anything it covers look LARGER. The key to wearing pleated AND print shorts is to let them be the focus. I did a fitted cami and cardigan on top in the same color to avoid anything being “too much.” I chose the cardigan to camouflage my hips and offer me coverage on my arms.

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Next: Black shorts.

I am a big fan of dressing up black shorts. I think you can and should rock heels with shorts, and sparkly tops. For this look, I went more casual and dressed down my black “dressy” shorts with a t-shirt and a floral kimono. (PS: I LOVE this Kimono from Kohl’s that I snagged for only $3). I also love how fun the slogan t-shirt can be, paired with the bright, floral print! Again, 2 pieces are monochromatic, and one piece is fun!

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And last but not least… classic denim shorts:

These are probably my least favorite pair of the 3, mainly because the zipper won’t stay up without being rigged, lol. The great thing about denim shorts though, is that you can virtually wear them with anything. Since these are SO SHORT and a little tight (to me, I am a Mom now), I like to pair them with a flowy shirt and of course, my black Zig Zag Cardigan.

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In the end, shorts serve a FUNCTION as much as they are FASHION: they keep you cool, and in Texas, you can’t take that for granted, no matter what your size. Now I just need to go shopping for sandals!

More info:

Outfit #1:
Shorts: Torrid, find them HERE
Cami: Cato, find it HERE
Cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, find it HERE
Necklace: Claire’s, like a million years ago.

Outfit #2:
Shorts: Kohl’s, Levi’s (not available online)
T-shirt: Torrid, (out of stock, but any graphic tee will work!)
Kimono: Kohl’s (clearance rack, but these are everywhere right now)

Outfit #3:
Shorts: Ross
Shirt: Torrid, (aptly named “the boob shirt” by my husband) find it HERE
Cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, find it HERE

Photos courtesy of Heather Fritz of Violet Rose Photography

6Apr2016

You can see my knees!

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

Today, I was brave.

No, I didn’t bungee jump, but I did face a fear. I wore a dress without leggings. I put on a brave face and showed the world that I don’t give an F if they could see my pasty white legs. Today, I decided that MY comfort was more important than being “eye candy” or “covered” enough for strangers. I’ll be honest, at first I was very uncomfortable. I kept tugging down my dress, convinced that I was showing “too much” skin. Eventually, that all faded away. I realized today that the only person who was worried about my chubby knees, was me. I realized that, no amount of cancer-causing sun exposure or self tanner, or gym time would change anything, if I couldn’t face the world and show them my knees. MY KNEES!? It seems so silly now.

And, no big deal, but Eff Your Beauty Standards re-posted my #ootd photo today!

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I also flashed the parking lot of Best Buy my spandex shorts (because chub rub), but the wind was the worst part of my outfit choice for today.

World, meet legs. I have a feeling you will be seeing a lot of them this summer.

Outfit: Dress: Torrid (clearance rack, buy one get two free yesterday!) Shoes: Bob’s, Bracelet: A gift, but it’s an awesome Harry Potter bracelet and you can find one like it on Amazon.

3Apr2016

Hello Lovelies.

Posted in Uncategorized by notsolittleladykatie

Hello Beautiful,

Welcome to “Not So Little” Lady Katie! Let’s be honest here, I’ve never been a “small” girl. Even when I was at my fittest, I had curves. I was the little girl embarrassed that her bra straps my show in the 4th grade. (Yes, 4th!). Despite the fact that I was not the typical fashionista, I always loved fashion. From my humble beginnings of patchwork jeans and bottle cap belts, to the my high-school obsession with everything 1980’s (jelly bracelets, anyone?), I struggled to find fashion inspiration above a size 2. Now, as “plus-size” is becoming more mainstream and as I have aged (Ringing 30’s doorbell here), my struggle has changed. Where does a fashion-conscious, plus-sized, risk taking, almost 30-year-old, mom find clothes that don’t break the bank and that don’t look like they came out of grandma’s closet?! My goal is to find out, document, and share with you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram for my #ootd (outfit of the day) and post your own #ootd using the hashtag #notsolittlelady to share your outfits with me!

Now, I’m sure I’ll elaborate on many of the outfits in the collage above, BUT, because I know you all will have questions, here we go, starting from the top left:

Black and white polka dot, retro, belted dress: Torrid
Hot pink dress: JC Penney, yellow cardigan: Lane Bryant, beaded necklace: Sam Moon
Oatmeal dress and printed cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, pink scarf: WalMart
Hot pink tee and printed long cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, black capri leggings: WalMart
Black shorts and floral kimono: Kohl’s, black tank: Dots, black flower headband: Five Below
Red dress: Torrid, black and white striped cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, floppy hat: Kohl’s
Pink printed tee: Zig Zag Stripe, teal scarf: WalMart
Black and white striped cardigan and black tee: Zig Zag Stripe, boyfriend capris: Torrid
Black babydoll dress and black and white kimono cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, black capri leggings: WalMart
Hot pink tee, black and white kimono cardigan and black palazzo pants (not shown): Zig Zag Stripe
Navy butterfly dress: Torrid, Navy pocket cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe
Black t-shirt dress and leopard cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, necklace: my mom’s jewelry box
Grey leopard dress, black pocket cardigan: Zig Zag Stripe, burgundy scarf: Five Below, Grey quilted boots: Lane Bryant (Little one’s outfit is from Sam’s).